A Knight's Battlecry

Alas! I am currently at this point in my life
where I am technically drained, exhausted and lifeless.
With all of the situations I am facing (whether I chose it or not),
the flame of love within me is constantly dying.
I saw the need of igniting it again,
that I may learn to share, to love and to live again.

All of my defenses, I started to tear down.
Little by little, I dismantled the steel shards that cover my heart,
exposing it again to feeling emotions, feeling weak in love,
feeling how is it to love and to be loved. I chose it,
because I wanted to be human.

And thus I tried to revive that flame within me, but apparently,
it is leading me to another path,
a path that I never thought of choosing.
Now I am in a battle, a warfare where I combat hand-to-hand with myself.
My reason against my emotions.

And as this war continues within me,
it seems that I find myself dying,
taking even the very last breath that I have..almost.
Still, I am trying to fight, struggling for survival,
that I may do what I should do.

But this concept of being trapped between choosing the right side:
emotion over reason, or the other way around.
I am tired of holding on to my sword.
Tired of choosing.
Tired of thinking.
I wave farewell, though forever, it doesn't mean.

When an almost perfect relationship becomes imperfect...

I thought that my relationship with my partner was quite an ideal one. We had good times, and bad times too. We were always able to overcome these bumps. But suddenly, we had to face this storm. Struggling to save our bond, we fought the hard battle. But still, no one can resist the will of God. No matter how hard we tried, timing was just not perfect. It's not according to His perfect time. But I am not mad by the way. In fact, I consider this point in my life as a part of my growth. Nothing came to a waste. I reflected on the things that had happened, and yielded a list of things not to do in a relationship. And here it is:


1. Do not deny... unless you're innocent

In my part, I really had to deny all the accusations thrown to me by my girlfriend. Because I was really innocent. Never did I do such things. Apparently, I guess I was not convincing enough to prove my innocence to her. At that instance, I thought things would be easier for the two of us if would just accept all these accusations, too easy that we will jump to the conclusion of breaking up instantly. But my heart was revolting. I really cannot accept the thing whose existence is a null. Checking on reality, maybe things would possibly be on that way soon, but as for that instance, it is null. Defense mode ON. If you are guilty of anything, do not deny it, it will be revealed sooner or later, so there's no point in hiding it.



2. If you're a giver, do not give much

I am fond of giving a hand to my friends, tokens, letters, hugs and ifts to my special friends perhaps. But what I've learned from my previous relationship was, I should have limit myself from giving too much for these people around me. The absence of this limit somehow erases the boundary that separates my girlfriend from my other friends. This diminishes the thing that makes her more special in some aspect. But since this is totally against my principle of existence, I did not limit it. But maybe if I could have tried an alternative here. I should have affirmed her in some other ways. Give more to her, more than I give to others. But that was the part where I failed. My bad.. All because I thought my partner would understand me, that's who I am.


3. Change is good... but to a certain healthy dosage only

For a time, I really wanted my partner to have a good life. I always wanted to make the situations better for her. Even if it takes for me to give up my own preferences. I just want to do it, out of love. Well, there's nothing wrong with it, I believe. But coming to a realization, I was totally losing myself. As I adapt to the changing situations, I tend to somehow lose my own identity. Thus, leading me to this struggle of seeking who I am. If you want to adapt to the demands of the situations, always set a limit. Every change has a certain healthy bound. Love yourself too.


4. Do not over-pamper your partner

Self-explainable, I suppose. An excessive amount of anything is bad at times. Believe me, demands will be greater through time, and if you cannot yield to all of these demands, you will find yourself in a misery, or end up like me.


5. Do not leave your friends behind

This is a fail-safe mechanism that will save you from all the troubles. If all else fails with your partner, you will always have friends to turn to, company who could give you a helping hand. As for my case, I am still lucky enough to have someone to talk to during my struggles. Thank God for sending angels.



6. If you feel tired, do not hesitate to speak it out...you're not Superman

I always wanted to be a shoulder to lean on for my partner. I listen patiently to all her stories, burdens, and other stuff. But I never thought I would reach my own limit, I almost forgot, I am human. But since I wanted to be a hero to her, I chose to go on and let myself carry these things for my partner. Upon reaching the my elastic limit (engineering term :D), I suddenly felt the exhaustion, and was able to turn my back to my partner, unintentional though... During that moment, I turned her down, giving her that feeling of abandonment. If only I were able to say my feelings during that time. But it's over. I have done it already. Just be ready to face the consequences.


7. Do not forget about God

Your partner is just a gift, lent by God. We do not know how long the two of you would be together. Only God knows. Cherish each moment with your partner. But Do not forget the Giver of that gift. Have some moments to cherish with God. Thank God for allowing your paths to cross. All are part of His mighty plan.


NOTE:
My situation now is the aftermath of it, after failing to do the "not to do's", except for the last number. ;-) Until now, I always seek God to thank Him for all these things that had happened in my life. My past was not a regret, actually. Happy, I am. Still happy, thanking God for all the blessings and for still keeping me alive, and for allowing me to experience this growth booster.

Humor Epidemia 1.0

Based on my own experience, I can see how people around me were struggling to be famous, to be Mr. and Ms. Popular. Well, this is common during my high school days, where there was this elite group in our batch composed of rich, some kinda rich and "in" type of students. The untouchables..... And of course, there was this group who lives in the other side of the world, consisting of the nerds, the losers and the weaklings.

In some way, I had my own struggle to become like the ones in the elite group.. but I lost the fight, so there I was, I belong to the other side of the world, sadly. I did not apply for it, but the elite ones are the one driving me and my likes to be in that group. If they do not think that you can belong to their group, then automatically, you are enrolled to the losers. Honestly, I do not like this caste system in our batch. But that's how reality bites me.

I was able to survive however, found some good fellows, and had fun too, just like those in the elite group. But still, we cannot change the reality that our group is way below. The elites always pick on us whenever it is possible. For almost three years, the same scenario was painted.

Within our group (which is technically not a group...), I managed to have my own group, somewhat like a "barkada". We're three in the group, the other two were nerds, I was not...(alright, I am a bit nerd, but only when I am inspired). Aside from that, we had another common thing, we are all capable of tickling bones through our senseless jokes. I consider that as a gift from God, making people in my caste laugh, making other people laugh (these include those in the elite group). Through our talents, we were able to somewhat penetrate their group. We were able to hang out with them during breaks, but still detaching from their vices. We hate vices.

In my remaining years in high school, we were able to somehow break the barrier that separates the two sides of the world. The Mr. and Ms. Popular are now sitting side by side with Mr. and Ms. Nerdy. Playing board games. Solving name hunt puzzles (my version, hahah!). Humiliating their selves at times, at least picking on others is reduced, I think. Almost everyone is infected by our disease, senseless corny joker disease. But it was fun. At least popularity became a lesser issue. As for the popular people, I think we had triggered the humor-filled spirit in them. Some were able to tolerate our jokes, others were not... but since they were not able to make us stop, I guess they just decided to join us. :D Laughtrip!

I never dreamed of wanting to be in the elite group. Never did I asked God to change me to become "in" to their group. I never asked for fame, for any mysterious talent to make me popular. But God has his own way of using us, through His grace. All thanks to God for bestowing upon us that gift of humor.. we are not worthy. God be praised! ;)

Blessings in Disguise

Life is not at all that bad. After our break up (yes, we just broke up about 2 months ago), I found myself walking alone. Doing stuffs alone. Thinking and laughing alone. Well, those are just the things that I fear, things that I really do not know if I can really handle. Gladly, I'm not really alone now. :)

After that turning point in my life, I then realize the importance of other things. I realized that I have a family. I have good friends. I have best friend. I have God. You see? I'm not really alone. Because they are with me. I cannot imagine how things would turn out if I do not have them with me. I think I can still survive though, but I know, it would be a lot harder. God has given me blessings in disguise. ;)

I thank God for my family, for supporting me in ways they can, for being my stronghold, a home I can always return to.

I thank God for my friends, for listening to me, for giving me advises, for enjoining me to their hangouts, for being my next family, my ministry.

I thank God for my four friends, for caring for me, for the joy and for the company. I really appreciate it, and I am just glad that I have you with me.

I thank God for my bestfriends, for making me laugh most of the time, for keeping me up every time I stumble, for giving me the inspiration to go on, for being my cage, most especially, for staying with me despite all the troubles that I am facing. I am blessed to have you.

I thank my God, for constantly reminding me of His love, for being my strength and my fortress, for giving me another life, a new adventure to start with. His plans are beyond my grasp, His thoughts are above my thoughts. He is my life driver, stirring me to the path that He wanted me to be. Cheers to my Lord!

"Thank God, He has already mastered the art of recycling"

On my way to work, I saw a piece of used, worn, plastic spoon along the sidewalk. It is used, it is worn, and it plastic. From the looks of it, I can say that its previous owner exhausted the use of it. And so, he/she threw the spoon away. But what bothers me a lot is, this is made of plastic!!! Come on, year 2020 will come and this plastic spoon will still be plastic spoon... Maybe quite deformed by that time. What am I pointing at? I just wanted to say that this piece of scrap should be disposed properly. Love our environment. People nowadays... (sigh)

I then realized how blessed I am. Several times, my life ended as being a piece of scrap. My fingers are not enough to count the number of times I failed. But still, I am here. Alive. Doing stuffs. Why? Here's my secret.... I am recycled. Yes, I am. I know my life is a piece of scrap. But I am still functional, for other purposes perhaps. God kept on recycling me. He kept on putting me to good use again and again. He had the choice to dispose me to garbage or just throw me away, but He didn't. I admit, I am not perfect. Honestly, I still fail. But I really thank God, He has already mastered the art of recycling. I know that He will make use of me, in other ways.

If you feel that your life is a piece of scrap, be grateful and rejoice. God will use you for something good. Believe me. He's a genius! ;-)

ME NO ROBOT.. ME HUMAN.. 10101110101

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Welcome to the real life.

Introducing… the norms of this world.

At times, good things are not really good for them. In the same way, bad things are sometimes, not that bad for them. Often times, or should I say, most of the time, we should adapt to the demands of this world so that when they scrutinize us, our hand shall be free from stains. Do the things that they think are right and pleasing. Sometimes, even the most innocent thing that we do becomes controversial.

Living by its standards is not bad. But the downside of it is we tend to sacrifice our own happiness. Unfair isn’t it? Yes, that’s life. We should live with it, or leave it. This is the sad part of it. But we can always choose to be happy. To live a life uncontrolled by the standards of this world. To soar freely and enjoy every breath. We can. As long as we’re doing things right, though not perfectly according to eyes of men, but accustomed to what God wanted us to be.